The DEFINITIVE JOKE thread

[Slothie]

I'll start this one
A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said,

"Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"















One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[GamingX]

Italian Girl:

A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"

"Very good, thank you."

"And, what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" She asked.

"The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

Statue's Revenge

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
And with that command, the statues came to life.
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.
After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"

[Slothie]

If you could...


An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner.
"If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef."
"If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."




POOF
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

*** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

*** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

*** POOF ***

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''


Snooping mums
Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

[QuwenQ]

Flaws In The Metrics System
HORRIBLE PUN WARNING.

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

One millionth of a mouthwash: One microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: One bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: One billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: One lite year

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: One Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine: One semicolon

1000 aches: One kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: One hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

453.6 graham crackers: One pound cake

One million microphones: One megaphone

One million bicycles: Two megacycles

2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)

10 cards: One decacards

One kilogram of falling figs: One Fig Newton

1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: One literhosen

One millionth of a fish: One microfiche

One trillion pins: One terrapin

10 rations: One decoration

100 rations: One C-ration

Two monograms: One diagram

Eight nickels: Two paradigms

Three statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League

The Pilot And The Navigator

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!




Oklahoma

A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."
When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

Numbered Jokes



A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43, and 509.
Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"
"We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the jokes."
Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it."

The Millionairess



A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it:
A) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.
Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."

[GamingX]

Hearing Aid

A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

"How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

"That depends," said the salesman. "They run from 100 bucks to 10,000."

"Let's see the cheaspest model," he said.

The clerk put the device around the man's neck.

"You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

"How does it work?" the customer asked. "For 100 RS it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

Talented Dog

A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.

Amazed, the friend says, “Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”

“Somersaults,” the man says.

“Somersaults!” the friend exclaims.

“That’s incredible. How many does he do?”

“It all depends on how hard I kick him.”

The Drunk & the Nun



There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"



Proud Indian


A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception.

A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita.

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.

"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too."

The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason", she says loudly, "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then," says Gita, "I'd be an American."

[QuwenQ]

Proud Indian


A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception.

A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita.

"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

"I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.

"Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too."

The teacher is now angry.

"That's no reason", she says loudly, "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.

"Then," says Gita, "I'd be an American."

Heh, that one's the best, mainly because it's true. xD

[Slothie]

Here's a true one.

I was playing with my niece a few years back, and I promised here to get here a toy if she could say her A-Z's and name a word that goes with 'em. So she went...

A for apple....
B for boy....
C for cat....
D for dog....
E for elephant...
etc...
etc...
etc...

All the way up to Q, when she got stumped. She was thinking for awhile..

Q....
Q...
Q....
Q....
Q for Qcumber!!!!


I roftlmao-ed for a long time after that, but she still got her toy in the end.

[manzoor]

WHITE vs. BLACK
White vs. Black...never thought of it this way

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!
When I was born, I was BLACK ,
When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,
When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You "white" folks . .
When you're born, you're PINK ,
When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
When you get sick, you're GREEN,
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
And when you die, you look GRAY .
So who y'all callin'
C O L O R E D folks

P.S: Look at the humor side of this and I'm in no way being racist here.

Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

xD lol :naughty:


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when.....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.




5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.




6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.




7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.




8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.




10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
: )




12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.




13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.




14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


:P


And shouldn't we receive comments ?

[GamingX]

I believe we should......

[Slothie]

Superman was flying around thinking."I need a shag."He was horny as a horndog.The Man of Steel was gagging for it.He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman,so he flew down for some advice.
"Hey batty,who's a good shag?"Batman replied."Well Supe,everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comicland,why dont you try her?"
"I'd love to,but Wonderwoman and i are friends,so i dont really want to take advantage of her...."
"Damn shame,"said Batman,and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.
A few minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saww Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop.he flew down.
"Hey,Spidey,i'm cruisin' for a piece of ass,who's the best shag in comicland?"
"Hey Big S,everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best shag in comicland,why don't you try her?"
"Well,we are sort of friends,"said Superman,"but i didnt realize she had gotten around so much."and he flew off frustation.
Minutes later he was fkying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked,in the middle of the field,with her legsapart and up in the air.Superman was tempted."Goddam it!"he thought to himself,"I'm faster than a speeding bullet,I can be in and out of there before she even knows i'm here."So with a blur and a sonic boom he was don,in and gone.
Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression,"What the f*** was that?" she exclaimed.

"I dont know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,"but my arse is killing me."
Edit:
The Dog's Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat's Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormenters by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.
I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
Edit:
I'll start with weird al. Since that khalila was a music parody, can add here.


ebay
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYokLWfqbaU

White & Nerdy
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

Canadian Idiot
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt1_6uz_sVU

Saga begins
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-gi4Nt_xxg

Amish paradise (delete if obscene)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsfVw9xxoNY

Eat it
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17Wt2iH5kxc

I'm fat
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCoLTbbEmRU