The DEFINITIVE JOKE thread

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Slothie, Oct 28, 2007.

  1. Slothie

    Slothie New Member

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    I'll start this one :)
    A big city London lawyer went duck hunting in rural Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence

    As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked the lawyer what he was doing.

    The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

    The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and your not coming over here."

    The indignant lawyer replied. "I'm one of the best trial lawyers in the UK, and if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything that you own.

    The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Scottish Three Kick Rule."

    The lawyer asked, "What is the Scottish Three Kick Rule?"

    The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth until someone gives up."

    The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

    The old farmer slowly gets down from the tractor and walked up to the city fella. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin, which dropped him to his knees.

    His second kick nearly ripped the nose off his face.

    The lawyer was flat on his belly, when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly causing him to give up, but didn't.

    The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old tosser, now it's my turn."

    The old farmer smiled and said,

    "Naw, I give up, You can keep the duck!"















    One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

    The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2007
  2. GamingX

    GamingX Executive Team

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    Italian Girl:

    A woman goes to Italy to attend a two week, company training session.

    Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

    The wife answers, "Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?"

    The husband laughs and says, "An Italian girl!!!"

    The woman kept quiet and left.

    Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks, "So, honey, how the trip was?"

    "Very good, thank you."

    "And, what happened to my present?"

    "Which present?" She asked.

    "The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!" "Oh, that" she said "Well, I did what I could; now we have to wait for few months to see if it is a girl!!!"

    Statue's Revenge

    In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
    Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."
    And with that command, the statues came to life.
    The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dived behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the giggling of statues, rustling of bushes and snapping of twigs.
    After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"
    The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"
    Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure. But this time you hold the pigeon down and I'LL poop on its head!"
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2007
  3. Slothie

    Slothie New Member

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    If you could...


    An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner.
    "If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef."
    "If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver."




    POOF
    An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

    ''Well, now,'' says the old lady, ''I guess I would like to be really rich.''

    *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

    ''And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.''

    *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.

    ''Your third wish?'' asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. ''Ooh - can you change him into a handsome prince?'' she asks.

    *** POOF ***

    There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, ''Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.''


    Snooping mums
    Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

    The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

    "It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she drank!"

    "Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"
     
  4. QuwenQ

    QuwenQ Member

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    Flaws In The Metrics System
    HORRIBLE PUN WARNING.


    Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

    2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

    One millionth of a mouthwash: One microscope

    Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: One bananosecond

    Weight an evangelist carries with God: One billigram

    Time it takes to sail 220 yards at one nautical mile per hour: Knot-furlong

    365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: One lite year

    16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: One Rod Serling

    Half of a large intestine: One semicolon

    1000 aches: One kilohurtz

    Basic unit of laryngitis: One hoarsepower

    Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line (think about it for a moment)

    453.6 graham crackers: One pound cake

    One million microphones: One megaphone

    One million bicycles: Two megacycles

    2000 mockingbirds: Two kilomockingbirds (work on it...)

    10 cards: One decacards

    One kilogram of falling figs: One Fig Newton

    1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: One literhosen

    One millionth of a fish: One microfiche

    One trillion pins: One terrapin

    10 rations: One decoration

    100 rations: One C-ration

    Two monograms: One diagram

    Eight nickels: Two paradigms

    Three statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: One I.V. League

    The Pilot And The Navigator

    The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

    The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

    The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

    The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

    The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

    "To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

    COWS Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.
    CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years and we're not using it anymore.
    TEN COMMANDMENTS The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse! You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!




    Oklahoma

    A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma."
    When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

    Numbered Jokes



    A guy goes to a comedy club he's never been to before. He has a drink and since it's open mike night he's not surprised when somebody steps up out of the audience and clears his throat. "Number 225," says the fellow and everybody just doubles over. Then he follows up with another couple of numbers and those elicit howls as well. After he sits down another man steps up to the microphone and does the same thing, getting big laughs from 124, 43, and 509.
    Finally he can take it no longer and he asks a guy sitting at a nearby table who has laughed throughout, "What the heck is going on?!? They aren't telling jokes, they're just spitting out numbers!"
    "We've heard every joke in the book in this place and we know 'em all by heart. Years ago we numbered them and just tell the numbers now instead of the jokes."
    Just then they see another fellow step up on stage and yell out, "54," but this time nobody laughed. The first man looked quizzically at his previously laughing companion who replied, "It was how he told it."

    The Millionairess



    A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
    It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
    Is it:
    A) the condor;
    B) the buzzard;
    C) the cuckoo; or
    D) the vulture?"
    The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
    The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
    The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
    "I need an answer," said the host. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
    "Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
    "Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.
    Thirty seconds later, Eddie said, "I regret to inform you, but that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
    Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends-- including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
    "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way, how did you happen to know the right answer?"
    "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2007
  5. GamingX

    GamingX Executive Team

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    Hearing Aid

    A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

    "How much do they run?" he asked the clerk.

    "That depends," said the salesman. "They run from 100 bucks to 10,000."

    "Let's see the cheaspest model," he said.

    The clerk put the device around the man's neck.

    "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket," he instructed.

    "How does it work?" the customer asked. "For 100 RS it doesn't work," the salesman replied. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder!"

    Talented Dog

    A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf. The man has a little dog with him, and on the first green, when he sinks a 20-foot putt, the little dog starts to yip, stands up on its hind legs and walks around in circles.

    Amazed, the friend says, “Wow, that dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?”

    “Somersaults,” the man says.

    “Somersaults!” the friend exclaims.

    “That’s incredible. How many does he do?”

    “It all depends on how hard I kick him.”

    The Drunk & the Nun



    There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.

    As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.

    Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

    This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

    By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said.........."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"



    Proud Indian


    A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks.

    There is, however, one exception.

    A girl named Gita has not gone along with the crowd.

    The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I am not an American." replied Gita.

    "Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"

    "I'm a proud Indian," boasts the little girl.

    The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Gita why she is an Indian.

    "Well", my mom and dad are Indians, "so I'm an Indian too."

    The teacher is now angry.

    "That's no reason", she says loudly, "if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be then?"

    A pause, and a smile.

    "Then," says Gita, "I'd be an American."
     
  6. QuwenQ

    QuwenQ Member

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    Heh, that one's the best, mainly because it's true. xD
     
  7. Slothie

    Slothie New Member

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    Here's a true one.

    I was playing with my niece a few years back, and I promised here to get here a toy if she could say her A-Z's and name a word that goes with 'em. So she went...

    A for apple....
    B for boy....
    C for cat....
    D for dog....
    E for elephant...
    etc...
    etc...
    etc...

    All the way up to Q, when she got stumped. She was thinking for awhile..

    Q....
    Q...
    Q....
    Q....
    Q for Qcumber!!!!


    I roftlmao-ed for a long time after that, but she still got her toy in the end.
     
  8. manzoor

    manzoor New Member

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    WHITE vs. BLACK
    White vs. Black...never thought of it this way

    This was written by a black gentleman in Texas and is so funny. What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!
    When I was born, I was BLACK ,
    When I grew up, I was BLACK ,
    When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK ,
    When I got cold, I was BLACK ,
    When I was scared, I was BLACK ,
    When I was sick, I was BLACK ,
    And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

    NOW, You "white" folks . .
    When you're born, you're PINK ,
    When you grow-up, you're WHITE ,
    When you go in the sun, you get RED ,
    When you're cold, you turn BLUE,
    When you're scared, you're YELLOW ,
    When you get sick, you're GREEN,
    When you bruise, you turn PURPLE ,
    And when you die, you look GRAY .
    So who y'all callin'
    C O L O R E D folks

    P.S: Look at the humor side of this and I'm in no way being racist here.

    Why Microsoft shouldn't make cars

    At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments/General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on.

    4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart;
    in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy
    more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that's powered by the sun, more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light.

    8. New seats would force everyone to have the same butt size.

    9. The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off.

    10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

    11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps, even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more.

    12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    13. You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine.

    xD lol :naughty:


    YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2007 when.....

    1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.



    2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



    3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.


    4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.




    5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.




    6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.




    7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.




    8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.




    10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
    coffee.




    11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
    : )




    12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.




    13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.




    14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.




    15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


    :p


    And shouldn't we receive comments ?
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2007
  9. GamingX

    GamingX Executive Team

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    I believe we should......
     
  10. Slothie

    Slothie New Member

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    Superman was flying around thinking."I need a shag."He was horny as a horndog.The Man of Steel was gagging for it.He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman,so he flew down for some advice.
    "Hey batty,who's a good shag?"Batman replied."Well Supe,everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comicland,why dont you try her?"
    "I'd love to,but Wonderwoman and i are friends,so i dont really want to take advantage of her...."
    "Damn shame,"said Batman,and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.
    A few minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saww Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop.he flew down.
    "Hey,Spidey,i'm cruisin' for a piece of ass,who's the best shag in comicland?"
    "Hey Big S,everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best shag in comicland,why don't you try her?"
    "Well,we are sort of friends,"said Superman,"but i didnt realize she had gotten around so much."and he flew off frustation.
    Minutes later he was fkying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked,in the middle of the field,with her legsapart and up in the air.Superman was tempted."Goddam it!"he thought to himself,"I'm faster than a speeding bullet,I can be in and out of there before she even knows i'm here."So with a blur and a sonic boom he was don,in and gone.
    Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression,"What the f*** was that?" she exclaimed.

    "I dont know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off,"but my arse is killing me."
    Edit:
    The Dog's Diary

    8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
    7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

    The Cat's Diary


    Day 983 of my captivity.
    My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

    The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!

    There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

    Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormenters by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

    I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly.
    I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now...
    Edit:
    I'll start with weird al. Since that khalila was a music parody, can add here.


    ebay
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYokLWfqbaU

    White & Nerdy
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

    Canadian Idiot
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rt1_6uz_sVU

    Saga begins
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-gi4Nt_xxg

    Amish paradise (delete if obscene)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GsfVw9xxoNY

    Eat it
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17Wt2iH5kxc

    I'm fat
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCoLTbbEmRU
     
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2007
  11. mattura

    mattura Member

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    An alternate ending to that one, just after the guy explains the system:

    The guy peers at the mic and thinks to himself - "Well blow me if that's the easiest way to get a laugh, I'm gonna try this myself." and he gets up onto the stage and yells out "22!". There are a few titters. Hoping for a better response, he yells "87!". Again, he is disappointed by the response, but he has one last try: "875!". and suddenly the whole crowd erupts into roars of laughter, tears streaming down their faces, and earth shattering applause, ending in a standing ovation. The man has never felt so proud in his life, but as he goes back to the table where the guy explained the numbers, he asks "Why did that last one get such a good response?". The guy looks at him and replies "Well, we've never heard that one before!"
     
  12. Yarfapet

    Yarfapet New Member

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    School 1967 vs. School 2007





    Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.




    1967 - Vice principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his own shotgun to show Jack.





    2007 - School goes into lockdown, the FBI is called, Jack is hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors are called in to assist traumatized students and teachers.




    Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.




    1967 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.





    2007 - Police are called, SWAT team arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. They are charged with assault and both are expelled even though Johnny started it.





    Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.




    1967 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given a good paddling. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.





    2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra state funding because Jeffrey has a disability.





    Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.




    1967 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.





    2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.





    Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.




    1967 - Mark shares Aspirin with the school principal out on the smoking dock.





    2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug violations. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.




    Scenario: Pedro fails high-school English.




    1967 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.





    2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. US Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.



    Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover Independence Day firecrackers, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.




    1967 - Ants die.





    2007 - Homeland Security and the FBI are called and Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.




    Scenario: Johnny falls during recess and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.




    1967 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.





    2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in federal prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy.
     
  13. Avalanche

    Avalanche New Member

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    Yarfapet, that is the bitter truth, and not jokes. :(
     
  14. Slothie

    Slothie New Member

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    I like the 1967-2007
     
  15. manzoor

    manzoor New Member

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    Indians vs Pakistanis

    At the station, the three Pakistani's each buy a ticket and watch as the
    three Indians buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you
    going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Pakistani. "Watch and
    learn," answers one of the Indians. They all board the train. The
    Pakistani's take their respective seats but all three Indians cram into a
    toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed,
    the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door
    and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
    emerges with a ticket inhand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The
    Pakistanis see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game,
    they decide to copy the Indians on the return trip and save some money
    (being clever with money, and all that).

    When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
    To their astonishment, the Indians don't buy a ticket at all!!

    "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed
    Pakistani. "Watch and learn," answers an Indian.

    When they board the train the three Pakistanis cram into a toilet and soon
    after the three Indians cram into another nearby.

    The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Indians leaves the toilet
    and walks over to the toilet where the Pakistanis are hiding. He knocks on
    the door and says, "Ticket please."

    Osama and Bush


    Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own
    handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter
    and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

    370HSSV-0773H

    Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had
    no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

    No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

    With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain 's MI-6 for
    help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply: "Tell the
    President he's holding the message upside down."


    :biggrin:

     
  16. galaxyAbstractor

    galaxyAbstractor Community Advocate Community Support

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    OMG! Hehehe, LOL. ROFL!
     
  17. GamingX

    GamingX Executive Team

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    sed to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

    The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

    When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

    Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

    The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Nick! New arrivals.... want? 25% off now..."



    A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

    He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

    What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

    It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

    "Yup", replied the drunk.

    How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

    "Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

    The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!



    At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen.

    They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

    As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

    Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

    Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation.

    She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

    Bush replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
     
  18. manzoor

    manzoor New Member

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    A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
    As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
    beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
    are both quite startled.

    The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
    your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

    She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


    xD LoL
     
  19. Yarfapet

    Yarfapet New Member

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    Being A Teacher


    Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land. ​
    "Wise counselor," Nathan began, "it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them down the road of knowledge. Please tell me the secret of becoming a teacher." ​
    "Your goal is a commendable one, Nathan. However, it is also a very difficult one to achieve. First you must overcome three major obstacles." ​
    "I am ready to meet the challenge," answered Nathan bravely. ​
    "First you must swim the Sea of Children," directed the knowing counselor. ​
    Nathan started off to swim the Sea of Children. First he had to learn their 38 names. He had to send the line cutters to the end of the line. He made the paper throwers stay after school to clean the room. ​
    He commanded the name callers, pushers, and punchers to apologize to their victims. He gave M&M's to those who finished assignments and stars to those who were sitting in their seats quietly. Nathan checked passes to see how many children were in the bathroom. And he tracked down students who were gone longer than was necessary. He arranged the desks in alphabetical order, then boy-girl, boy-girl, and finally into small groups of four. He lined his children up for physical education and music and library and lunch. Then he stifled a cry when the secretary came into the room with number 39. Tired and shaken but still undefeated, Nathan returned to the counselor for his second task. ​
    "You are a very determined lad," said the advisor. "However, now you must climb the Mountain of Paperwork." ​
    Nathan set out at once. He wrote objectives and drew up lesson plans. ​
    He made out report cards and graded papers. He filled out accident reports, attendance reports and withdrawal reports. He completed inventories, evaluations, surveys, and request forms. Finally, he made dittos and more dittos. He ran them off until he was purple in the face. But the courageous boy's resolve never dwindled. He went to the wise counselor for his third task. ​
    "You are indeed very strong, Nathan. But this third task will take all the courage you can muster. You must now cross the country of Duties and Committees." ​
    At first Nathan was hesitant. But his convictions remained steadfast. He began his long journey across the country of Duties and Committees. ​
    Nathan took lunch duty, bus duty, and recess duty. He was on the social committee, patrol committee, and the faculty advisory committee. He was the adult supervisor of the student government and ran the United Fund and Easter Seal drives. He went to PTA meetings, NRA meetings, SST meetings, School Site meetings, and in-service workshops. He organized bicentennial programs, talent shows, and book drives. Finally, he was elected the building representative of the union. At last Nathan reached the outskirts of Duties and Committees. ​
    Exhausted but happy, he returned to the knowledgeable counselor. ​
    "I swam the Sea of Children. I climbed the Mountain of Paperwork. I crossed the country of Duties and Committees," Nathan proclaimed. "Am I not worthy of the title of Teacher?" ​
    "Why, Nathan," began the counselor, "you have been a teacher all along." ​
    Nathan protested, "But I have not stimulated any minds. I have not guided anyone down the road to knowledge, I have not had any time to teach" ​
    "Oh, you say you want to TEACH! I thought you said you wanted to be a teacher. That is a completely different story!!
    -----------------------------

    Why Teachers Get Headaches

    Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
    George: Here it is!
    Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
    Class: George!


    Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
    Willy: Me! ​

    Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
    Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson. ​

    Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
    Alfred: I get up early. ​

    Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
    Student: Yes, sir.
    Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
    Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours. ​

    Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are. ​

    Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
    Teacher: Of course not.
    Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework. ​

    Teacher: Why are you late?
    Webster: Because of the sign.
    Teacher: What sign?
    Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did. ​

    Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
    Bob: I hope you didn't either. ​

    Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
    Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you. ​

    Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
    Junior: Because of absence.
    Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
    Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was. ​

    Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    Sylvia: Your name on this report card. ​

    Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
    Father: What's that?
    Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating. ​
     
  20. Jimmywhite

    Jimmywhite New Member

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    The blonde test taker

    A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

    During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

    "I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "Now I'm rechecking my answers."
     

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